Dear Advocate

Clear Advice for Real Problems

Student engagement is something we believe the Advocate can help strengthen — and that’s why we’re launching a brand-new advice column! This space is for YOU. Whether you’re facing a challenge, looking for guidance, or just want to share your story, we’re here to listen and respond. How it works: Use this link to submit your questions or stories. Everything is completely anonymous — your identity will not be shared, and responses will remain anonymous as well. Scroll down to read our very first submission!

“I’m a little nervous writing this, but here it goes I’m feeling kind of lost. In 2023, I made a very close friend. We became close within a few months – talking every day and sharing so much. But as time went on, I realized she’s a narcissist and struggles with serious mental health issues that were hidden at first. She lied, made up stories, and even pushed me away from other friends. The final straw was when she told one of my close friends that I was bullying her. So, I cut her off. What made it really hard is that we’re in the same ethnic community. We go to the same church and school. Over the past two years, and just last week to be exact, I found out she’s been talking about me again. She’s been saying things that don’t align with my beliefs or the way I live – especially about dating and other personal matters. I’ve truly never hurt her, and I’ve tried to ignore everything because I know who I am. But now I feel stuck. Should I confront her or just keep ignoring it? I’ve already talked to several adults about this, and even they gave up trying to help. She comes from a problematic family. I know I’m not a therapist, but I feel judged and falsely labeled by her. Deep down, I believe she knows I’m doing better, so she’s trying to pull me down. The hardest part is seeing her at church and school, acting like nothing’s wrong, while I feel isolated. She’s turning people against me, saying I’m rude, selfish, and that I bullied her. I honestly don’t know what to do anymore.”

– Anonymous

Response

Thank you for trusting us with something so personal. What you’re going through is incredibly painful, especially in a close-knit community where it’s hard to avoid someone who has caused harm. You made the right choice by stepping away from someone who lied about you, isolated you, and twisted your character. That takes real strength. The truth is, when someone keeps talking about you in a negative way – even years later – it often reveals more about their inner struggles than it does about you. You’re right to think that if she sees you doing well, she might be trying to pull you down. People who are secure in themselves don’t waste energy tearing others apart. If people around you choose to believe her lies, even though they know you and grew up with you, that actually shows more about their own lack of clarity or even insecurity. One thing we’ve learned, especially during school and other close-knit chapters in life, is that people usually know the truth. No one is truly clueless – most people sense the drama and dirt, and some might still play along, but that doesn’t make it real. Everyone knows each other in communities like yours, and the truth always surfaces. What she’s doing will eventually catch up with her because karma is real, and it always comes around. That said, when confrontation can help: If there’s one specific lie or rumor that’s actively damaging your reputation or relationships (especially if people are believing it), a calm, clear, one-time confrontation in private might help. But keep it focused on facts, not emotions. For example: “I know you’ve been telling people X. That’s not true, and I’m asking you to stop. I’m not here to fight; I just want peace and to be left out of your conversations.” When not confronting might be better: If the rumors are vague, old, or you’re unsure who actually believes them… or if dealing with her will only bring more drama, manipulation, or gaslighting… then protecting your peace by not engaging might actually be the stronger move. You’ve already tried talking to older adults. If another confrontation would cost you too much emotionally, it’s okay to let go. Sometimes silence is power – especially when your character speaks louder than her words. What you can do now: Stay consistent in your character. Keep being kind, respectful, and clear about your values. People notice. Stick close to those who know the real you. You don’t need to win over everyone, just the people who matter. And if someone asks about her, you can calmly say, “We don’t talk anymore. I wish her well, but a lot of what she’s saying just isn’t true.” Speak your truth where it counts, and let your life speak for itself. Keep growing, making real friends, and focusing on your goals. If it’s been a two-years thing, you’re already doing better – and honestly, she probably knows it; she daydreams about it. That’s not your fault, and you don’t owe anyone an explanation for doing what’s best for your peace.